True story. I won’t call you names or criticize you for who you support. I won’t march in the streets with #NotMyPresident signs. And I won’t spread hatred and divide our country even more. What’s done is done and we must unite and organize in this scary, unpredictable time. And the best thing I can do for my country right now, is to educate my son, not just in math and reading and writing, but by setting an example, how to be fair, how to have compassion, how to treat women with respect, how to help people in need, how to view everyone as equal, how not to judge and condemn, how not to be ignorant, egotistical, and superior, but above all, how to be kind. Because it’s not just up to the president to make America great again. It’s up to us.
Husband asked me if I was excited and I replied I was more nervous.
So he said, “Why? What’s the worst that can happen? You get fired?”
“No, the worst that can happen is that they don’t like me!”
#mygreatestfear #pleaselikeme #leapyear
I met a new friend recently and when I told her about my education background, she said, “That is so brave of you, to just up and leave everything and everyone you know and move half way around the world.”
But she’s wrong. There’s a difference between being brave and being fearless. Being brave is to overcome something you’re afraid of and forging ahead. Being fearless is to not even realize you’re afraid. I was the latter. I was 22 and I was fearless.
Now I’m in my 30s, mother of a young child, and I. Am. Afraid. Of. Everything.
20s and turbulence: Woohoo! This is like a roller coaster!
30s and turbulence: If something happens to the plane, I won’t be able to protect my son.
20s and health: Eh, whatever I have will most likely resolve itself.
30s and health: OMG, WhatIsThisAmIGoingToDie, what if Dragon loses his mother.
20s and safety: Fast driving, fast talking, fast drinking, fast fast fast.
30s and safety: We’re almost at the speed limit, can you slow down? There’s a child in the car.
You get the picture.
Now I’m looking to retire my role as a full-time Mommy and sniffing around for positions in the workforce again, and I realize this fearless/fearful situation is even revealing itself in something as simple as sitting in front of the computer and searching LinkedIn.
Straight out of grad school, I only applied for jobs that I was waaaaay under qualified for. “What have I got to lose?” was the mentality and my ego was gigantic. And looking back, I’m seeing that ego can be cleverly disguised as confidence, and confidence (along with skills obviously) wins over interviewers.
This go around, I find myself mostly applying for jobs I am over qualified for. The nagging voice in my head constantly undermines myself. “How are you going to explain the gap between employment?” “Will being a SAHM for awhile make me less desirable?” “What if I lost my touch?”
What ifs plaque my mind.
Is this an age thing? Maybe something that comes with the territory of becoming a parent? Or is it just me? Have I just gotten soft?
I’ve been spending a lot of time with someone lately, and as much as I love her and want to cherish the short time we have together, I feel myself drowning in negative thoughts and feelings. I’m dryly sarcastic a lot, and often say non-PC things I would be crucified for if I were a politician or celebrity, but I’m not a negative person, and people who are constantly critical and judgmental of everyone and everything bother me a lot.
My inner monologue lately consists a lot of, “Stop it stop it stop it!” or “Shut up shut up shut up!” or “Oh my God, did you really just say that out loud?”
If you start your sentences with, “I’m not criticizing, but…” you’re most likely gonna follow that up with a criticize.
So the more time I spend with her, the smaller I felt myself becoming. Angry. Frustrated. Negative. Ugly. Stupid.
I took an hour walk with Dragon on our own, and I noticed myself walking taller, smiling more at passerbys, friendlier to the service industry people I encountered, more patient to Dragon in general, and there was light in my footsteps. Wow. She doesn’t just criticize me. She criticized everyone. How did I allow that to get to me? How did I allow myself to forget I’m fabulous?
Browsing Pinterest to get some motivation and positive encouragement, I came across this, and suddenly, it became clear to me.
This person, who is negative about everything except herself and her immediate family, who boasts and brags about how fabulous her life is and how wonderful and perfect her husband and children are…well, perhaps it’s just to divert from her own unhappiness and insecurities. On the outside she seems like the most confident person (ya know, perfect life and perfect family, etc.) but her need to constantly put others down, or be combative about anything another person says, that is the crack in the facade.
So if you have anyone in your life that makes you feel small, or any less than you are, or just brings you down in general, don’t let them do that to you. If anything, you should feel sorry for them, for they are probably the ones who are secretly unhappy, insecure, and close-minded.
And you? Well, my dear. You are nothing but fabulous.
“Smooth out your skirt and do not look at him.”
— Advice for those who love people they shouldn’t.
1. I love airports. I love watching the planes come and go, the hustle and bustle, imagining all the stories the travelers can tell, from vacations to business trips to visiting loved ones. I even don’t mind the hassle of security checkpoints and rude TSA. So naturally, I also love this bird’s eye view of airports all around the world.
2. The first time I traveled to Paris, I did so alone, and it was incredible. I’ve been back since, and it was great in other ways (engaged!) but this New York Times article and particularly the following passage, really resonated with me:
“The question that bubbled up was not so much, Will I be back?, but rather, Could I bring back with me the feeling that I had cultivated here?”
3. This blog post on An Inch of Gray also reached deep into my heart. “I think years of busy-ness and scorekeeping and nurturing the heck out of small children somehow leave little room for thoughtfulness for each other. I think people are generally wired selfishly, and each day is a struggle against a me-first attitude. And our culture leaves us asking every day, “What’s in this for ME?” rather than “What can I do for others?” So when we feel spent, as we often do, we don’t go around looking for ways to serve our spouse.”
This is a constant struggle in my marriage as well, both of us working so hard in our respective roles that is difficult not to ‘score-keep,’ due to never fully understanding what the other goes through on a day to day basis. Anna’s article reminds us to put our mundane bullsh*t aside (well, not in those words) and stop only worrying about what’s in it for ourselves.
4. On a lighter note, check out this on the Bold Italic. Right before I read this, I ran to the store that is literally next door to my place to get some coffee beans. But in order to get there, I have to walk through THE BIGGEST wind tunnel EVER, and I cursed under my breathe every step of the 20-step way. Reading this made me feel a lot better. So I’m not the only person who ‘can’t with this wind.’
5. Mother’s Day is this weekend (the second one I’m celebrating as a mother!) and oh, #16, you are speaking to me, aren’t you?
You know you’re in a bad mood (thanks SF public transportation!) when you go to the animals Pinterest section to cheer yourself up and all you can think is, “Your pet is ugly, why are you on Pinterest.”*
Then I saw this list on Buzzfeed and ok, my faith in humanity has been restored, a lil’.
And THEN, I saw this:
Sometimes, when even puppies and kittens aren’t cutting it, all you need is a really mean joke.
*Disclaimer: NO ONE’s pet is ugly, the only thing ugly around here is my mood.
I scour Pinterest when I’m in a bad mood. And this! This definitely made me smile 🙂