The Honey took us out last weekend to Old Town in San Diego. Just hearing the words ‘old’ and ‘town’ together, I knew I was going to love it. I love frontier history, small towns, kitschy touristy stuff, and that is exactly what Old Town is. Even as we were waiting for a parking spot, I could feel my pulse quicken and anxiety kick in. I wanted to get out and explore!
Well, Old Town is everything I pictured it to be and more. The cute shops housed inside history-filled buildings, the bazaar lining the streets, and ohmygoodness, the cafes! All those little coffee shops just begging me to stop in for an espresso! I loved this place!
But at the same time, I was reminded once again how different my life is now. In the past, I would leisurely check out all the shops, buy useless knickknacks and just sit and enjoy a coffee with The Honey. But “leisure,” apparently, is no longer a part of my vocabulary.
I recently discovered that Dragon Boy enjoys being worn, and since he has started to hold his head up pretty well, I strapped him in our baby carrier facing out for the first time on our little day trip. Though the absence of a stroller in what turned out to be a very un-stroller-friendly area was a huge relief, I realized I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my surroundings. I speed-walked through all the shops, looking but not really seeing, in constant fear that at any moment, my calm little boy would have a melt down and turn into a inconsolable devil.
He never did, and at one point he even fell asleep, but nevertheless I couldn’t fully relax. I didn’t buy anything, not even when we stepped inside Hot Licks which reeked ‘spicy,’ and I didn’t get coffee or stop for a hand-made tortilla. I saw what I came to see and was anxious to get back home to my comfort zone.
What the hell happened to me? And will this anxiety ever go away?
I want to go back there. I want to enjoy a mocha, buy useless key chains, go to an olive oil tasting, and perhaps, even get drunk off of cheap tequila at a non-authentic Mexican restaurant. But now I am a mother, and with that territory comes a realization. I will never NOT be a mother again. And that is one crazy crazy feeling.