Sometimes, I’m worried that being “Dragon’s Mom” has taken over my identity of being “J.”
“J” was fabulous and fun and sexy and a lil crazy…ok, a lot crazy, and all that I’ve known for 30 years, but “J” was nowhere near fit enough to be “Dragon’s Mom.” Now with Dragon in my life, I want to be the best mom I can be, morphing into this person who is responsible, reliable, well-behaved, mature, and, you know, normal. But sometimes, I wonder if “J” is just lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce when she has a chance, waiting to ruin “Dragon’s Mom’s” life, and Dragon’s life along with it.
I’m a modern day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and I’m terrified.
I’m terrified that I lost my own identity, and at the same time terrified that my own identity is not good enough for this new role.
I love this child, and I love my husband, and I love the life that we’ve built together, and I can’t imagine existing in world where the three of us aren’t a tight-knit family. But sometimes I wonder where “J” has gone, if “J” will ever emerge, and if “J” is who I actually really am.
“Always be yourself.” But who is myself?
Today, we headed north of the Golden Gate Bridge and finally saw a little of why people rave about the Bay Area. It was an exceptionally gloomy day in my neck of the woods, and the second we started driving (and hitting traffic), I started feeling the resentment creep in. Ugh. Screw this weather.
But surprisingly, the water in the bay was REALLY blue, dotted with little white sailboats, lush, green hills and islands weaving in and out of the backdrop. And about three minutes after crossing the bridge, the skies cleared up and OMG, it turned into fantastic, giddy-worthy weather. Today was the first day since moving to San Francisco (it’s AUGUST!) that I wanted an iced coffee instead of curling up in a heavy sweater with a mocha.
My husband took us to Hawk Hill, and the views were breathtaking. At one point, the fog covering the city was so thick that only the tallest skyscrapers were visible, peeking over the fog like a city in the clouds.
Today was a special day, not because I spent an afternoon in the sun, or because we saw some amazing views. It’s a special day because for the first time since moving here…I see some promise. And a teeny tiny spark of…hmmm…maybe I will like it here.
Saw Rachel of Pink Peonies wear these Wayf track pants in a recent post and she looks fantastic! Not everyone can pull off pants like these and I’ve been wondering if my fuller hips will make me look too MC Hammer. Off to Nordstrom to find out!
See that photo above? It was taken this past weekend on a rare occasion when the sun came out and the skies were clear. I sat with my husband and baby outside the Ferry Building enjoying a cup of Blue Bottle Coffee and marveling, “I’m so happy today cause the weather is nice!”
That nice weather lasted about half an hour before gloom and doom set in and I started hating the city again.
The city aforementioned, is San Francisco, one of the best cities in the U.S., they said. You are soooo gonna love it there, they said.
I’ve been here for a month and I say, F*ck you guys and f*ck this city.
I’ve lived in a big city. I’m not culture-shocked by the hustle and bustle. I’m not daunted by the dirty streets and diversity of the people. But what I’ve seen of this city so far? It’s on a whole new level.
Now granted, I haven’t been here long enough or know the city well enough to make a “fair” judgement, but here are my observations so far:
1. This city stinks. As in SMELLS FOUL. As in, every big city smells like urine at certain places, but in the contest of which big city I’ve been to in the world that smells the worst? SF gets the gold medal.
2. This city is cold. And gloomy. And depressing. And did I mention cold? “You’re from New York! You know cold!” Um, East Coast may get harsh looooong winters, but in the summer, it is SUMMER. And though I love layering and blazers and scarves and boots…not in August people. Not in August.
3. Who’s brilliant idea was it to install carpets on a pubic transit train? Also, who’s brilliant idea was it to build elevators to and from train platforms OUTSIDE the turnstile? I’m either getting a free ride, or stuck inside the BART station forever.
4. This city has some amazing sights, undeniably. But it’s cold. And foggy. So the sights are very now-you-see-me, now-you-don’t. And that ruins everything.
If you are from SF, or have/had lived here for awhile, will you please share its secrets of why people rave about it with me? I am desperately trying to find the magic that so many others see. I am desperately trying to love this city too.
So I just noticed that my blog was linked to this site: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a1828126-Rules-for-dating-my-son
and my last post on Rules for dating my son got quite some feedback by…get this…anonymous people!
While I am deeply flattered that anything I post would garner any attention (only popular blogs get negative responses!!), I would like to clarify a few things:
1. I didn’t write this list. I saw it on Pinterest and found it sarcastic and funny and fit my type of inner humor. If you don’t find it funny, that’s fine…everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and their own way of raising their children. No judgement here. Except you. I judge you. And you. And yes, definitely you.
2. My son is not named Dragon. He was born in the year of the Dragon, and I, as an Asian woman, referred to him as Dragon Baby when I was pregnant, cause we didn’t have an actual name for him til he was born. My goly, boys’ names are hard! Rest assured littlewhitebag, he is not an actual fire-breathing reptile (thank god, that would have been a painful L &D), there is nothing to be skeptical about…
3. Am I overprotective? Probably. Will I care about the types of people he will eventually hang out with? Most likely. Will he rebel and hang out with whoever the f*ck he wants to when he grows up? Absolutely. This list? All in fun. I am not so disillusioned that I think I will be able to control a grown man. But right now, he’s my 10 month old baby and he’ll do as I say
4. “A girl in the big city, searching for her place, her heart, and ultimately, her destiny.” That was written 5 years ago when I started this blog. I WAS a girl in a big city, lost and desperately searching for something solid, something “good.” If that sounds like a cliche, it’s because it is. EVERY girl I knew was the same way, and my journey wasn’t anything special. But my journey is mine, and though I don’t live in New York anymore, I will always be searching for my place, with or without a husband, with or without a baby, and with or without you negative nellies.
5. Mumsnet? Mum’s Net implies it’s a site where mom’s go and network and support other moms. Being a mom can sometimes feel like a lonely and isolating job, so I guess if by banning together with strangers to bash on something another stranger posted, it can bring you a sense of “belonging,” then by all means. Good luck with your own children.
This is hilarious. And frighteningly, that is likely the kind of mother I will be. Dragon is only 10 months old and I already am concerned about what kinds of babies he has play dates with. Well, not so much the babies than the parents of said babies, but you get the picture. Too much too soon?