It’s 2:30am and all the boys in the house are asleep. Time for my one woman wine and cheese party.
Of all of George’s girlfriends, Stacy Keibler takes the cake. I love how her tan matches the Guiseppe Zanotti sandals perfectly.
Sometimes, New York, I miss you terribly.
My old stomping grounds. There were many a good times on the 32nd floor inside that black building on the right of St. Paul’s Cathedral.
Dragon Boy and I took a trip to Culver City last week, and we spent the week chillin’, drinking coffee, shopping, enjoying food, drinking wine (me), trying to crawl (him), sitting in the yard and soaking up some rays. It wasn’t really a vacation because we didn’t go anywhere exciting or exotic, but it felt like one to me. I felt well-rested, rejuvenated, and I must say, Culver City and all it’s LA-ness has grown on me
The Honey took us out last weekend to Old Town in San Diego. Just hearing the words ‘old’ and ‘town’ together, I knew I was going to love it. I love frontier history, small towns, kitschy touristy stuff, and that is exactly what Old Town is. Even as we were waiting for a parking spot, I could feel my pulse quicken and anxiety kick in. I wanted to get out and explore!
Well, Old Town is everything I pictured it to be and more. The cute shops housed inside history-filled buildings, the bazaar lining the streets, and ohmygoodness, the cafes! All those little coffee shops just begging me to stop in for an espresso! I loved this place!
But at the same time, I was reminded once again how different my life is now. In the past, I would leisurely check out all the shops, buy useless knickknacks and just sit and enjoy a coffee with The Honey. But “leisure,” apparently, is no longer a part of my vocabulary.
I recently discovered that Dragon Boy enjoys being worn, and since he has started to hold his head up pretty well, I strapped him in our baby carrier facing out for the first time on our little day trip. Though the absence of a stroller in what turned out to be a very un-stroller-friendly area was a huge relief, I realized I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my surroundings. I speed-walked through all the shops, looking but not really seeing, in constant fear that at any moment, my calm little boy would have a melt down and turn into a inconsolable devil.
He never did, and at one point he even fell asleep, but nevertheless I couldn’t fully relax. I didn’t buy anything, not even when we stepped inside Hot Licks which reeked ‘spicy,’ and I didn’t get coffee or stop for a hand-made tortilla. I saw what I came to see and was anxious to get back home to my comfort zone.
What the hell happened to me? And will this anxiety ever go away?
I want to go back there. I want to enjoy a mocha, buy useless key chains, go to an olive oil tasting, and perhaps, even get drunk off of cheap tequila at a non-authentic Mexican restaurant. But now I am a mother, and with that territory comes a realization. I will never NOT be a mother again. And that is one crazy crazy feeling.
We celebrated Dragon Boy’s 4 month birthday yesterday, and while so many people keep telling me how time flies this first year, I beg to differ. I feel like I’ve had him forever.
Here’s some advice to women (or men) out there. Don’t have kids if you’re not ready, financially, but more importantly, emotionally.
I was ready. I was excited about expanding our family and loving someone more than words can explain, and I was looking forward to this experience helping me grow into a woman and out of my Peter Pan mentality. But Jesus Almighty, becoming a mother didn’t just help me grow up, it basically catapulted me into a world that confuses and scares me on a daily basis, and forced me to face responsibilities unbeknownst to me. No amount of mental preparing for motherhood geared me up for this, and every day I question myself, guilt trip myself, and work myself up in a tizzy til I collapse in exhaustion for some unsettling sleep on the couch.
I love my son. I love my son more than I love my cat, and that is saying a lot. I often feel like my insides are gonna explode and leek out of my body in the form of tears over this love that I cannot cope with. But as I devote everything to him, I wonder how much of myself I’ve lost, and merely wondering this makes me feel like a selfish, horrible mother.
Deep down I know I’m not a selfish, horrible mother (well, at least not horrible). I’ve put my career on hold to focus on his needs and wants while simultaneously trying to balance giving him everything, and knowing when to say a firm “no” when needed. But sometimes, I can’t help but want to focus on my needs and wants, do stuff that I took for granted before I became a mother, like write for an evening in a coffee shop, or go to the gym, or meet a girlfriend for a drink or two, or take a bubble bath complete with candles, wine and a good book.
I need to add here that I have a wonderful husband who is a wonderful dad to Dragon Boy. If I told him I wanted to do any of the above things, he’d no doubt take the baby off my hands and tell me to go enjoy myself. But it’s not the same. I would inevitably feel guilty that I dumped the baby on my husband, who works long stressful hours, and worry that his parenting would throw our son off the schedule I worked so hard to establish. In the end, I would think the guilt and worry is not worth it, and I don’t attempt that leisure activity again.
I want myself back. I just haven’t figured out how yet.
With New York looking like this:
I sure am glad I now live here:
In 2012, I got a run for my money by changing careers, road tripping through 20 states, moving across the country, marrying my best friend, and giving birth to the love of my life. 2013, you’ve got some serious ass kicking to do to top that, and I cannot wait to find out how.
Onward and upward!
Your unexpected beauty blows my mind.
Emerald Gorge via Pinterest
How does a woman who has hyperemesis gravidarum manage to look like this:
I didn’t even have it that bad, yet throughout the first couple months of my pregnancy, I looked like this: